The ghost of projects past.

It wasn’t a dark and stormy night. No empty houses were haunted by poltergeists, the paranormal, malevolent presences or unsettled spirits. No creepy basements were belching out weird noises. No one was lost in the woods. There was nothing remotely suspicious about the scene.

In fact, it happened in broad daylight. Just when we were feeling perfectly safe and a little too smart.

Two weeks had passed since we presented credentials to the entire marketing team. A repeat performance and the final reprise of 3 one-and-a-half hour zoom calls we previously had with the CEO covering similar territory.

“We’re speaking with 2 other agencies,” the CEO informed us at the conclusion of the zoom. “We’ll be back to you shortly.”

We immediately sent an upbeat thank you note expressing our honest enthusiasm for the project along with our appreciation for the thoughtful questions. We reiterated our pitch-perfect qualifications. “Let us know if you need anything else. Looking forward to our potential collaboration.”

My team and I huddled after the meeting. High fives. “We nailed this,” we thought.

We thought wrong.

We waited patiently for a response. Crickets. When none came, we emailed again, “Hi, hope all is well. Just circling back with you to check on the status of the project. Any updates?” we inquired. Short and sweet.

Radio silence. We gave it another shot the following week. Again. Nothing. No reply. Nada. Zero. Zilch. “What the f? We thought you loved us!”

We had been ghosted.

Romantic ghosting happens all the time. Or so I’ve heard. As a long-married person, I haven’t been part of the dating game in eons. But business ghosting? Like ghosting of the relationship kind, the term applies to any situation where one person abruptly cuts off contact with another with no warning or explanation. No goodbye. No text. No call. No “hasta la vista baby” email. The ghoster simply vanishes. Poof. And just like an unresponsive boy or girlfriend, business ghosting can leave you confused, disappointed, rejected…and to put it bluntly — angry. We retrace our steps. Indulge in self-doubt. Quiz ourselves obsessively.

Why ghost? We are hardwired to avoid conflict like the plague. No one wants to be the bearer of bad news. No one likes uncomfortable conversations fearing anger on the other side. Ghosting is the easy way out — no drama, no questions asked, no awkward explanations required.

That said — there’s no excuse for ghosting. Especially today when technology makes it so easy to send a Dear John thanks-but-no-thanks email or text. You get to avoid the face-to-face awkwardness or discomfort. Don’t be such a weenie. It’s not like you have to go face to face and admit I’m just not that into you.

The fact is ghosting is just plain rude, not to mention — unprofessional. And yet, we ghost and get ghosted in business all the time. Every prospecting LinkedIn contact you hit ignore…Don’t know this person. Ever solicitation email we get that gets trashed. Every CV sent into the black hole of job applications. All ghosting.

Startups are frequent ghosters. Call it sticker shock when a first-time founder hears what the work might cost. Or simply gets cold feet. It doesn’t just happen to agencies like mine — but also to freelancers and consultants I know. Advice to founders who are not ready to take the plunge: rather than vanishing into the ethos leaving someone who was ready to help you in limbo, turn the confrontation into a conversation. Fess up to your concerns. You may have just found a great mentor — or a relationship you will value in the future. But whatever you do — don’t burn that bridge!

Why not just let it go? “It turns out we’re not biologically wired for that,” writes Kristi De Paul, author of So You Got Ghosted — At Work, Harvard Business Review: “Ghosting is an action that tugs at our psyches. When something is unresolved, our brains tend to linger on it (a phenomenon called the Zeigarnik effect). The underlying cognitive tension encourages us to continue seeking a satisfactory resolution.” It’s why we become obsessed with a cliffhanger. The episode may end, but the story is unfinished. And we want more.

How do you deal with ghosting?

There’s no sugar coating it — rejection sucks. But wallowing in your bruised ego sucks more. Instead of dwelling on self-doubt, consider yourself lucky. You just dodged a bullet. If a potential client or business contact is so dismissive of people, it just might be an early warning sign of more significant issues to come. He or she is not exactly long-term relationship material. You probably wouldn’t want to work with this type of person anyway. As they say — On to the next!

To the ghoster: Instead of ghosting, graciously offer to give feedback. I once received this email. “I wanted to let you know, that, unfortunately, we have decided to go with a different firm for this project. I am happy to get on a call with you and review our thinking if you would like. As always these are tough decisions. We were very impressed with your, credentials. But we felt for this project we needed a firm with different capabilities.”

Pretty easy — right?

The note went on to say: “We really appreciated the enthusiasm you brought to the project and I believe there could be other opportunities for us to work together in the future.”

We took the client up on the feedback. The candor was greatly appreciated. Not only are constructive critiques enlightening, but when well received, it can keep the door open for future opportunities.

To the ghostee: When it comes to professional ghosting, fight the urge to send an angry “FU” email. (C’mon, you know you want to! And boy wouldn’t it feel good to unload on that deadbeat!!!) Don’t take it personally. Be gracious. Send a note saying something like: “Since we haven’t heard from you, we assume you’ve decided to go in another direction. Wishing you much success and hoping we connect again in the future.”

Always take the high road. Many years ago, our client of 8 years was purchased by P&G. Besides business associates, we often socialized with the marketing team. We were good friends. In the re-org that followed, as often happens, P&G swiftly cancelled all consulting contracts. Once we were formally informed, our client suddenly stopped taking our calls. We imagined that there was likely internal turmoil created by all the management changes. And they were probably not keen to add to the stress of the break-up. Maybe they were uncomfortable with the abrupt way it was handled. But for whatever reason, all communication stopped. Just like that. My business partner and I reminded one another — as we often did — everybody loves a lover. So, we reached out, making it easy for them. “Hey, bummer about the cancellation. Thanks so much. What a great gig! Let’s do it again sometime.” That opened the door. The phone rang again. And when members of the marketing team eventually moved on, where ever they went, they called us. And we built a robust business based on these many respectful relationships.

Confession: I’m haunted by my own ghosting. To exorcise my guilt, I’m changing my behavior. I will not ghost again. (Or at least try not to.) So when I received this email: “Hi Robin, Third times a charm! Totally appreciate if the timing is off but I wanted to reach one last time and see if growth is on the mind for you guys over at Insurgents. I’d love to show you how our clients are partnering with us to grow their marketing business. Can I ping across a couple of times for a brief chat?”

Instead of blowing Cheryl off, I answered.

Hi Cheryl — “So sorry. I’m on a new mission to answer prospecting emails rather than ghosting. While I am always interested in growing my business, I don’t feel that a marketing firm is right for us at this time. Thank you again for your persistence.” Best Robin

Cheryl wrote and thanked me for the honesty.

That’s the spirit!